April First 2022

David Long’s Positivity Tests ‘Negative’?

While his family remains by his side in this troubling time, rumors say Trader Joe’s is considering pulling their sponsorship.
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David Long’s Positivity Tests ‘Negative’?

People around the ASOTU-verse are familiar with our friend, industry leader, and ASOTU investor David Long. His Pandemic of Positivity movement has been a big part of the industry's drive to band together and push back. But what is this "Positivity," and how contagious is it? 

ASOTU is on the case. We dove into the question, and our findings were scandalous, to say the least. There were no known cases of positivity infections before David Long. We consulted the only known positivity test, the Strengthsfinder Assessment, and while positivity can be detected, no evidence of its contagiousness has been confirmed. Is Long patient zero? Or is this whole pandemic a delusion?  

Friends and colleagues alike have called on David to silence these suspicions by releasing test results showing conclusive evidence of this previously unheard-of phantom. As of today, April 1, David has not released any proof or statement.

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